Worried about your child at university: how parents can help

Parents often find the first term hard to adjust to. Contact becomes less frequent, calls get shorter, and from a distance it’s difficult to tell whether a quiet spell is ordinary or something to look at more closely.

Broadly speaking, the evidence is reassuring. Going to university doesn’t appear to make young people’s mental health worse, and the research points fairly clearly to where difficulty does tend to come from instead. It also shows that parents continue to matter a great deal at this age, even once their child is legally an adult and living somewhere else.

University is not usually where the problem starts

The headlines say student mental health is in crisis. UK evidence tells a more measured story.

Students may struggle slightly more than their peers at first, but the difference is small and it doesn’t seem to last. Two large English studies followed young people from their mid-teens through the university years and beyond, and by 25 there was no sign of a difference ^[1].

The same study found something else that matters. In one of the two groups studied, the young people who went on to university already had slightly more symptoms at 16 and 17, before they went anywhere. So some of the difference may be about who goes rather than about university itself, though the researchers say this needs more study.

A larger study, from Wales, points the same way. It compared the health records of students with those of young people the same age who weren’t studying. Self-harm, depression, anxiety and several other conditions were all recorded less often among the students ^[2].

There is one caveat. Health records only capture what gets diagnosed and treated, so students may be asking for help less rather than struggling less. That turns out to be a theme.

What matters is what they took with them

For most students with a mental health condition, it first began before they started university, as the chart below shows. In the World Health Organization’s international student surveys, conditions that began before university were more strongly linked to dropping out. Only a minority of students with a condition had any treatment for it ^[3].

The Welsh study found the same. Students with self-harm or a mental health condition on their records before university were more likely to drop out ^[2].

Many parents worry about their child dropping out, so it helps to keep it in proportion. A large review of studies from many countries found that depression and stress were each linked to a somewhat higher chance of leaving ^[4]. In England, around nine in ten full-time students starting a degree carry on past their first year ^[5].

So the question worth asking isn’t about university itself. It’s whether your child was already struggling before they went, and whether anyone is helping them with that now.

Why you may be the last to know

If your child was struggling, would you know? Quite possibly not.

Many students keep their struggles to themselves. In one study in England, first-year students described the pressure of keeping up with their work while living up to the idea of student life. Away from their usual support, there was often nobody at hand when things got difficult ^[6].

Many students with a mental health condition don’t ask for help. In a survey of new undergraduates in Northern Ireland, more than one in five of those with problems said they would not seek help at all ^[7].

The reasons young people give for not telling a parent are often similar. In one small study of teenagers and their parents, the barriers described included not wanting to burden their parents, not wanting to make them feel guilty, and worrying the concern would be brushed aside ^[8]. In other words, silence is often an act of protection rather than distance.

Loneliness, not homesickness, is what to watch

Most parents brace for homesickness. It’s real, it’s extremely common, and it usually eases.

Loneliness is different, and it’s the one linked to things getting worse. In an Australian study of first-year students, money worries and pressure to succeed were linked to poorer mental health at the start. But only loneliness and negative social contact were linked to low mood getting worse over their first semester ^[9].

Loneliness at university is common. In a German survey, around a third of students said they felt moderately lonely, and missing someone close was more common than lacking company in general ^[10]. Feeling connected to the university, on the other hand, is linked to better mental health ^[11].

There is a practical implication. "Are you happy?" is a question most young people will deflect. "Who did you see this week?" is harder to deflect and tells you considerably more.

What you can still do, now they’re an adult

It’s easy to assume that once a young person turns 18 and moves out, a parent's influence has largely gone. The evidence says otherwise.

That comes from a large French study of students aged 18 to 24, who were asked how supported they had felt by their parents as children and teenagers. The pattern held all the way along: the less supported they had felt, the higher their risk ^[12].

What seems to matter is not whether you’re told first, but what happens when you’re told. In a study following students with mental illness week by week, disclosing to a parent was linked to better wellbeing, and the thing that explained the link was the perceived quality of the support they got back ^[13]. Telling a parent was linked to feeling better mainly through how well the parent responded, rather than simply through being told.

When researchers asked young people directly what they wanted from parents in these conversations, the answer was blunt enough to become the title of the paper: just listen, really listen ^[14]. Not fixing, not immediately phoning the university, not a plan by the end of the call.

A few things that follow from the evidence:

• Agree a rhythm of contact together rather than defaulting to daily calls or waiting to be called. Predictability helps more than frequency.
• Ask about people and routine rather than about feelings. Who, what, when, rather than how are you.
• Resist solving it in the first conversation. Being listened to is what young people say they want, and it’s what makes them more likely to tell you next time.
• Keep some contact that’s not about how they’re coping. Ordinary news from home is a form of support too.

What changes at 18, and what you can do in advance

Once your child turns 18, a university generally will not discuss them with you without their consent. Many parents discover this at the worst possible moment, during a crisis, and find it bewildering.

There is something you can do about it in advance, and not enough families know it exists.

Universities UK guidance recommends that universities ask every student to nominate a trusted contact when they register, and to review it at the start of each year. The contact doesn’t have to be a parent. Where there is serious concern for a student's safety or mental health, a university can involve that trusted contact even without the student's agreement, provided the decision is made by appropriately qualified staff on a proper risk assessment ^[15].

Practices vary between institutions, so it’s not universal. But it means there is a specific, concrete question to ask: does your university have a trusted contact scheme, and have you filled it in?

Present it as their decision, not yours. They choose whether to nominate anyone and who it is, and a friend or another relative is a perfectly good answer. A young person who feels handed a safety net is in a different position from one who feels monitored.

Is this settling in, or something more?

Some difficulty in the first weeks is almost universal. A rough first fortnight is normal. So is a dip around week five or six, when the novelty wears off and the work starts arriving. So is a wobble after the first trip home, when they’ve remembered what comfortable feels like.

These are the signs that warrant a closer look:

• They’ve stopped going to lectures, or stopped mentioning them.
• Eating or sleeping has changed markedly, and stayed changed.
• They’ve withdrawn from people they’d begun to know, rather than simply not having met anyone yet.
• Drinking (or drug-use) takes place to help them cope, rather than socialise.
• They’re talking about coming home permanently rather than for a weekend.
• The flatness doesn’t lift between calls, including on the good days.
• Anything that frightens you.

These are prompts rather than a checklist, and some of them can have other causes. If you’re worried, that is reason enough to ask for help.

Attendance and mood are separate problems, and one improving doesn’t mean the other has. A young person can be getting to lectures and still be in real trouble, and can be struggling to attend while their mood is starting to recover.

Where to get help

Start with the university. Most have a wellbeing or student services team, a personal tutor system, and a disability service that handles mental health support plans. University counselling can help: a study of four UK university services found it helped especially with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, wellbeing and stress about studies ^[16]. Waiting times vary a great deal between institutions, so it’s reasonable to ask what the wait is when your child first gets in touch.

Register with a GP where they study. This is the practical step families most often miss. Staying registered at home means no easy route to a local appointment, a prescription, or a referral.

On therapy itself, two things. It helps, and the type matters less than people assume. A review of studies with university students in Italy found counselling helped improve their mental health, whatever approach was used ^[17]. Across the research, the relationship between a young person and their counsellor is consistently associated with better outcomes.

Online counselling is a reasonable option rather than a compromise. For a young person who has moved away, it also means the same counsellor through term and holidays, without starting again each time they move.

The research has hopeful news too. In a Canadian study of first-year students, those who felt more connected to their university were less likely to develop anxiety or low mood over the year. And among students who were already struggling when they arrived, it was linked to a better chance of recovery ^[18].

At Finding Therapy, you and your child can browse our counsellors and choose someone together. We’ve vetted every one of them, and we’ve known them for years. If you’d like help choosing, you can book a free consultation with Helen Spiers, our Head of Counselling. We’re a private, paid service, so there’s no GP referral needed, and we work with children and young people aged 6 to 25. We’re one option alongside the university service and the GP.

If you believe your child is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E. If they talk about not wanting to be here, or you’re worried about their safety, contact their GP or yours and ask for an urgent appointment. You can also call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option. You don’t have to be sure how serious it is before asking for help. If you’re unsure, call NHS 111.

Your child can also call Samaritans on 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258, at any hour. If you’re worried and cannot reach them, the university’s security or accommodation team can carry out a welfare check. Finding Therapy is not a crisis or emergency service.